Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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