So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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