New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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