That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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