You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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