thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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