this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
