Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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