party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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