You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
