Moan for me like Helen Keller
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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