2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize