The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
