How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Also, beer. Big fan.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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