The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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