I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
we should paint friendship bongs
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