I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
