So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize