I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
