I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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