oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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