Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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