I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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