I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
