Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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