A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
