i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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