Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
