i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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