So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
