Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
