He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The beer is more important than you right now.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
