What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
