Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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