I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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