if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
