I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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