I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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