then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
