last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
