I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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