lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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