i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
