Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
