On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
