He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
