I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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