I think i peed on brittanys purse
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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