sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
a search helicopter?!
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
whose ass print is on the piano?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
