I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
