Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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