Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
