One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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