She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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