Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
