nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
