You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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