is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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