hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
