There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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