69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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