I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
