is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
