Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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