The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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