Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Text me some of your sweat
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